Author name: Philip Barton

Something really lumpy

Was rolling in my shoe.

What followed then was rather strange,

But absolutely true.

I took my shoe and shook it,

And hoped the stone would go.

Imagine how I felt

When on the ground out fell my toe.

 

Things quickly went from bad to worse,

My feet came off as well.

I simply went to pieces

And my face and spirits fell.

I calmed myself and placed my feet

Securely in one hand.

Unfortunately, my arms fell off

Just when I went to stand.

 

Well, then I really panicked,

And shook with foolish fears.

The trembling made my legs fall off

And then my nose and ears.

Bits of me were everywhere

All jumbled and diverse.

But I pulled myself together,

Things really could be worse.

 

© Copyright Philip Barton, 2010. All rights reserved

Today I fell in to a hole,

A hole I didn’t see.

It lay there right beneath my nose,

I fell in on one knee.

The other quickly followed,

It usually tags along.

And there my nose and knees and me

Sit wondering what went wrong.

 

© Copyright Philip Barton, 2010. All rights reserved

When eating beans and spicy food

Eat properly and politely.

Refrain from the unmentionably rude

By clenching all cheeks tightly.

 

© Copyright Philip Barton, 2010. All rights reserved

A mouse sits on my office floor

And looks me in the eye.

He twitches nose and whiskers

And I wonder whether I

Could spend my life like him

Chasing crumbs and turning wheels,

And whether he’s found happiness

And what he really feels.

I wonder what makes him tick,

Is there love and hope and shame?

But most of all I’m wondering

… Is he wondering just the same?

 

© Copyright Philip Barton, 2010. All rights reserved

A crocodile, an elephant and a whale

Will be recycled, I have a hunch,

Into a handbag and some chopsticks,

And a Japanese businessman’s lunch.

 

© Copyright Philip Barton, 2010. All rights reserved

I am always early

While my wife is always late.

This way we’re always just in time

And never have to wait.

 

I wake early, she wakes late

So the days are not too long.

I stay awake, she goes to sleep,

She’s right, I’m always wrong.

 

We sleep as one in separate beds

And never seem to fight.

She talks a lot, I hold my tongue,

She spends a lot, I’m tight.

 

So all in all we’re quite content,

Well balanced in our ways.

We’re very, very happy,

But it’s just on different days.

 

© Copyright Philip Barton, 2010. All rights reserved

No tissue means your nose will drip

Or worse, begin to block.

So here’s a lack of tissue tip,

Discreetly use your sock.

 

© Copyright Philip Barton, 2010. All rights reserved

A new survey tends to the view,

Both startling, yet arguably true,

That the opinions of precisely fifty percent

Are believed by one out of two.

 

© Copyright Philip Barton, 2010. All rights reserved

Discretion is a virtue,

That’s rather useful too.

It means that you won’t tell on them,

If they won’t tell on you.

 

© Copyright Philip Barton, 2010. All rights reserved