I’ve been lying here for hours,

It’s like my life has gone on hold.

The heating isn’t working

And I’m really deathly cold.

There isn’t much of anything,

No pictures on the wall,

No games to play, no bowls of fruit,

A room that’s much too small.

They slide me in and slide me out,

And all I’ve got’s a sheet.

They covered up my head,

But then forgot about my feet.

The service here is terrible,

I haven’t got a bell,

And the other people in the ward,

Really don’t look well.

I told a nurse I couldn’t sleep

And asked her for a pill.

She turned so white, I got a fright.

I wonder if she’s ill?

 

© Copyright Philip Barton, 2010. All rights reserved

It’s never good to bite your nails

As a bad impression lingers

But if you must, and all else fails,

Restrict it to your fingers.

 

© Copyright Philip Barton, 2010 All rights reserved

Some mozzies bit me
On the bottom.
I quickly smacked me,
Think I got’em.

© Philip Barton January 12^th, 2022. All rights reserved.

I read the children stories,
It sure beats counting sheep,
And sure enough, before too long
My leg falls fast asleep.

 

© Philip Barton November 11^th, 2020. All rights reserved.

Sylvia the milkmaid,

was always carrying pails.

Such a lovely, pretty face

but oh what horrid nails.

© Copyright Don Fawkes 2025. All rights reserved

Just how wet
Would your bottom get
If you flushed whilst sitting down?
Could you really try
To stay high and dry
Or would you get sucked in and drown?

 

© Copyright Philip Barton December 12^th, 2019. All rights reserved.

My wife texted “I’ll call you shortly”.
Oh how the mighty do fall.
I may be a trifle portly,
But I used to be thought of as tall.

 

© Philip Barton April 4^th, 2021. All rights reserved.

Putting on my underpants,

Wriggle, wriggle, wriggle.

Positioning is critical,

Jiggle, jiggle, jiggle.

 

Strutting down the street I go,

Wiggle, wiggle, wiggle.

Forgot to put my trousers on,

Giggle, giggle, giggle.

 

© Copyright Philip Barton 2019 All rights reserved

A cold and horrid day it was
It gusted wind and rain.
The storm had raged for hours
And I longed for sun again.

My wife stared through the window,
Her voice drowned by the din.
I think I should unlock the door
And let her come back in.

© Copyright Philip Barton June 13, 2023. All rights reserved.

Click to see this ditty read live by Philip on youtube – https://youtu.be/skCDk7wd-vc