Children who are prone to eating worms,
Should boil them first, to kill the germs.
And a hearty meal of congealed mud pies,
Is far more wise than flies with fries.
But the biggest mistake, that a child can make,
Is to try to bake a spider cake.
To be placed in an oven erodes its rights,
And can often produce a cake that bites.
© Copyright Philip Barton April 12th, 2005 – All rights reserved
I have to admit
That I’ll be quite annoyed,
When my heart takes a hit
And I’m off to the void.
With my body encased
In a tatty pine box,
Will I find myself based
In the land of lost socks?
And of what virtue is that
The logic full begs,
When I’m as still as a doormat
And no longer have legs?
© Copyright Philip Barton March 13, 2005 – All rights reserved
Gardening is a wonderful hobby,
That speaks to a more natural life.
The hands sift the soil
The back bends with toil,
I love just watching my wife.
© Copyright Philip Barton January 21, 2008 – All rights reserved
Of all the scary jungle beasts
That prowl the midnight house,
None is quite so frightening
As the sabre-two-tooth mouse.
With mighty squeaks,
He boldly seeks,
For children’s toes to nibble.
So cover up your feet
Lest they get wrinkly-wet with dribble.
© Copyright Philip Barton, July 10th, 2021. All rights reserved.
So hang on boys and girls
For yet another year.
Though life’s bizarre
We’ve come this far
And somehow now we’re here.
And judging by the past,
Though the present’s far from humming,
It’s going to seem a blast
Compared to what it is that’s coming.
© Copyright Philip Barton, September 25th, 2021. All rights reserved.
I watched him
As he turned the cork
With vigour
Round and round.
As I viewed
His arm unscrewed
And fell off
On the ground.
© Copyright Philip Barton, 1 July 2021. All rights reserved.
The human head needs rearranging.
This is clear from tests.
Evolution beckons,
And logic clear suggests…
The space between the nose and ears
Is obviously a waste.
The eyes can be reduced to one
And mouths can be replaced.
Food can poke straight up the nose.
It’s easy if you think.
Just increase the nostril size,
With built in straws for drink.
A single ear must face the front.
Two are quite lopsided.
Where to put the sex appeal
Has yet to be decided.
© Copyright Philip Barton, July 3rd, 2025. All rights reserved
It was time to rise and shine,
But from my bed I’m never carried,
I had to walk myself,
So what’s the point of being married?
I went to get some breakfast,
But all the toast and jam was taken
So I placed my manly frame
Around the outside of some bacon.
My wife had made no tea,
So I had to make my own.
She forgot to make me to drink it,
But I’m not one to moan.
© Copyright Philip Barton, September 7th, 2019. All rights reserved.
He gazes far beyond the bars,
With wild, yet wistful, eyes.
He scans the sky, the moon and stars
And in his mind he tries,
To ponder where the tigers fit.
A picture that’s complete.
Life really must have more to it
Than eating children’s feet.
© Copyright Philip Barton, September 20th, 2019. All rights reserved.
